This one goes out to the one i love

I still think about you everyday. I know it's been over a year since we first met. And I still can't get you out of my head. I long to be back in your secure embrace. My shelter from pain. My stronghold against the vile, infectious world. My inspiration to strive to be something better. You make me feel whole, worth something.. You gave me what no one else ever has or ever will. You are, in short, the only reason I am still here. You know who you are.

I still remember the first time you confessed your feelings to me on voice. I still remember how amazing I felt when you drug me out of the frigid darkness and back into the warmth of your love this past Christmas. I still remember our heated moments of passion, while we attempted to transcend the distance between us. I will never forget you.

I know I don't deserve you. I know I was too wrapped up in the pressing struggles within myself to accept the help you so patiently tried to offer. I know I fucked up everything I've ever wanted. I know there is little chance you will ever see me the way you once did. I know all of this, yet still my hope will not fade.

I just want you to know I'm still here for you. If you ever need to feel me, just reach out and touch me. I am learning more and more about why I act out in the ways I do, and you once said to me after all the time we spent together you think you start to figure me out and then find that you have no idea. I just wish you could understand how little control I sometimes have over the monster I contend with on a daily basis. I just wish you could see that that wasn't me when we went our separate ways this past spring. I woke up to find you out of my life and the monster inside me in full control, laughing at me as I struggled to find meaning again.

I can't blame you for wanting to leave. I can't blame you for the exasperation you felt because of my problems. I can't blame you for wanting nothing to do with me. I can't blame you for being so perfect that I can't seem to see any hope for happiness with another woman. I can only blame myself.

I'm just hoping to get this out there so you will maybe reconsider and let me back inside your world. We don't have to be like we were; I just need to know that you don't hate me. That you still think of me from time to time. That we might have a chance of being happy together once again. The last thing I want is to cause you anymore grief. I removed a good deal of my most controversial posts to protect you from those that would rather see me hurt than try to understand me. I took extreme measures to prevent your name from ever coming to the surface of this ocean of drama which I have been drowning in ever since we parted ways.

I guess all I can do is say the lamest phrase in the English language...